Whether it’s at rope jams or scrolling through social media, if you’re into shibari, you’re more than likely used to seeing human bodies in various states of undress doing seemingly superhuman stuff in ropes. Bottoming for shibari can be hugely helpful to develop body awareness and increase self-love, but this wonderful hobby can also have its pitfalls – after all, while kinky folks have long challenged mainstream ideas of beauty and belonging, gatekeeping and body-shaming continue to rear their ugly heads in the rope world. As such, the issue of body image in ropes may be filled with ups and downs, oftentimes with unhelpful (and even harmful) opinions and comparisons adding fuel to the fire.
Seeing our bodies through the lens of rope
For me, one of the many magical things about shibari is the potential to bring out the beauty in everyone. I truly believe that being tied can do wonders for our body image and how we feel about ourselves. The love, care and appreciation I show my own body has increased immensely since I started getting tied three years ago – and it turns out that I’m not alone in feeling this way.
A poll of my rope-bottom friends and followers on Instagram shows that 49 percent feel that their body image has been positively impacted since starting shibari, while just seven percent feel more negative about their bodies. It’s not all positive news, however, with 44 percent responding that their body image fluctuates.
One of the aspects of getting tied that I love the most: when I enter into my rope head space, I don’t give any thought to whether I look ‘ugly’ or ‘pretty’ as I’m simply too busy feeling my body and mind in ropes. My focus is on the play and energy connecting me and the rigger. I don’t think about whether my thighs look like sausages in futumomos or about my red, puffy face when I’m suspended upside-down. These are precious moments that allow me to float freely and exist in the here and now. Beauty is a feeling.
The love, care and appreciation I show my own body has increased immensely since I started getting tied…
Illustrator: Jo RichardozTalking to other rope bottoms, these kinds of positive feelings about themselves in ropes is a common theme. Many reported that despite having suffered from negative body image in general, shibari has been very helpful. For many of us, being in ropes makes us feel strong, beautiful and vulnerable at the same time. The endorphins and feel-good chemicals produced when getting tied can help us feel good about ourselves during and after a rope session, both mentally and physically.
Saara Rei, a rope bottom and kink educator based in Berlin, shared with me that as someone who has suffered from negative body image and body dysmorphia all her life, being in ropes has quieted the inner negative voice and helped her see her own beauty:
“I loved the way I felt in ropes, and how those I tied with felt, and how the focus shifted from what looks good to what feels good [...] and when I finally one day saw a photo of myself from a rope session, I did not see all of the problems with myself and my body that the little voice in my head loves to emphasize; I saw a snapshot of a moment that was so genuine and present that the little voice was silenced and I could finally only see beauty. It is with ropes that I could begin to move past my internal programming as to what must be ‘beautiful’ and ‘good’.”
The impact of social media
While a majority of the people I’ve talked to find that rope bottoming makes them feel better about their bodies, looking at photographs and spending time on social media can be a slippery slope to feeling bad about ourselves. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone.
“The rope scene is no different from any other, especially now that there has become a heavy emphasis on images in social media, taking shibari to an external space despite the magic happening internally. I try my best to stay present and true to myself, to love myself, and practice shibari with those who love me too – and to remember that it’s about feeling good, not ‘looking good’, and about creating together, and feeling free,” says Saara Rei.
“I try my best to stay present and true to myself, to love myself, and practice shibari with those who love me too – and to remember that it’s about feeling good, not ‘looking good’."
Illustrator: Jo RichardozAnd let’s face it, shibari doesn’t exist in a vacuum. We live in a world that profits from making us feel bad about our bodies. Learning to unpack and dismantle traditional beauty ideals and standards for what quantifies a ‘good’ or ‘worthy’ body can be essential to starting to feel at ease within ourselves.
Fuoco, a rope switch and shibari educator from the US, shares that in her experience shibari has acted a bit like a mirror and a space to notice her relationship with her body. She adds that, for her, nothing about shibari is inherently healing or triggering:
“I think that being involved in shibari has made me confront my own body image issues more than if I didn’t have a practice that left me semi-naked in a room with lots of other semi-naked folks on the regular. Some things about shibari have been really good for how I see my own body. I love looking at a squishy thigh in rope, and I was eventually able to translate that into a greater sense of self-love for my own body [...] It can amplify your negative thoughts or can challenge you to do some self-work around your own body, in order to be more comfortable and at peace in rope spaces. In my opinion, ultimately, a better body image comes from unlearning fatphobic, patriarchal, white supremacist beauty standards. I don’t know that shibari does that for anyone, but I’m grateful to the voices in the community who are reminding people to do that work for themselves and try their best to leave those standards outside of our spaces.”
Who is seen in the rope scene?
Over 60 percent of the people I polled reported that they compare themselves to other rope bottoms and that it makes them feel worse about themselves. Several rope bottoms I spoke to also mentioned that they don’t feel represented and that there is often a sense that the ‘standard’ shibari body is different from how they see themselves.
Illustrator: Jo RichardozLondon-based rope switch and body diversity advocate MouseInRope shares that as a mixed race and larger rope bottom, she felt alienated looking around the shibari scene and not seeing herself reflected:
“Within my shibari journey, the impact on my body image has been a complex interplay of emotions. On one hand, rope has enabled me to forge a profound connection with my body, allowing me to experience its strength, vulnerability, and the beauty it has in suffering. Yet, this journey has been juxtaposed with the presence of socially accepted beauty standards that don't align with my own physicality. I have found myself grappling with resisting comparison to others.”
“This journey has been juxtaposed with the presence of socially accepted beauty standards that don't align with my own physicality. I have found myself grappling with resisting comparison to others.”
However, comparison and seeing our differences doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Seeing a variety of people in rope can be helpful to accept our own bodies. Petrini, a rope-bottom based in Valencia and Barcelona, finds that shibari has helped her respect and understand her body more:
“Thanks to the fact that I see all kinds of bound bodies, I can admire the beauty beyond the norm. It was hard at first to see the body deformed by the rope and to give another perspective to beauty. There’s not just smooth, smooth skin. I’m loving seeing our wrinkled bellies and thighs.”
At almost 1.8 meters tall (5’9”), there are certainly days when I feel a bit like a heffalump when I see petite bottoms being suspended, looking light as a feather. But here’s the funny thing… Since I got into bottoming for rope, I no longer look at someone’s body and think, “Oh, I wish I had their smooth thighs/round boobs/perky butt.” Yet, there are days when I think more about the things I would love my body to be able to do and when I feel low-key envious of all those gorgeous rope bottoms who seemingly have no bones in their body and whose feet touch their head in a backbend or get their elbows to touch in strappado…
There are days when I feel low-key envious of all those gorgeous rope bottoms whose feet touch their head in a backbend or get their elbows to touch in strappado…
Illustrator: Jo RichardozWhile being in ropes makes me feel beautiful, it’s not always that this sensed beauty corresponds with how I feel when I see photos. But even when I notice the cellulite on my thighs or my wrinkly forehead and puffy face when suspended upside down, I enjoy the memories of how I felt during the rope session. Freedom. Joy. At peace. Beauty. Tormented or turned on.
What I find helpful when I feel insecure about my body is to remember and focus on what emotions being tied produces – as well as the cool stuff my body can do, like intense waist rope and how my weirdly flat shin bones mean that I can easily hang in a futumomo suspension. Everyone is different and no way is the ‘right’ way to practice shibari, whether as a rigger or bottom. You’ll find your own cool things that will make you feel amazing and thankful for your body.
Here’s what saves me and many other bottoms when we get into a negative thought loop about our bodies – and I’d encourage you to consider that as well if you’re struggling with wishing you’re anything other than your wonderful self: It’s not about how rope looks, but how it feels.
Remembering my intentions for getting tied makes any niggling thoughts about myself fade away. For me and many others, the feeling of beauty from the inside is where the real magic lies.
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