Rope Bondage Myths And Misconceptions

When you’re just starting out in anything, it can be hard to tell what’s good advice and what isn’t – and rope bondage is no different. There are a lot of things that get said as if they are undeniable truths that are really nothing more than myths at best, or misinformation at worst. I asked ropey folks of various experience levels and roles about some of the most common misconceptions that they’ve encountered and these are the answers that came up time and again.

Myth: Suspension is the goal

This is a big one and something a lot of experienced people say they fell for (myself included). Suspension in shibari is a beautiful display of athleticism, trust and skill but it isn’t some pinnacle of rope learning. There’s so much to enjoy in floor play that often gets overlooked or rushed through. You might find you can more fully explore connection, emotion, sensations and energy when you don’t have to worry about uplines and transitions. Floor-based rope play can be a tool for sex, immobilization for other types of play, a method of torture and getting into darker headspaces, an extension of arms for more of a cozy scene, or a hundred other things. You don’t have to suspend at all and can still be an excellent and skilled rope practitioner.

Myth: You need to be female/thin/white/ flexible/young to be tied

If you're new to rope, you have likely come across a lot of images of young, thin, white women being tied. In fact, you may not have ever seen people like you being tied. Rest assured, there is space for you in this rope world. That said, the same oppressive forces that permeate our larger society still rear their heads in the rope world. And social media algorithms reinforce these conditions, often erasing a lot of beautiful diversity that does, in fact, exist in rope.

The effect of all of this is that many rope bottoms who don't fit the skinny, flexible, young, white mold feel like they don't belong. But a skilled rigger is capable of adapting their tying to the specific needs of the person that they're tying. If you have been told that you're too [insert anything here] to be tied, that just means that that rigger has a lot of room to grow in their own tying practice. (Evie Vane has a great book called Better Bondage for Every Body, if you are looking for some ideas and resources.) Remember, if you have a body, it is a rope body.

If you have been told that you're too [insert anything here] to be tied, that just means that that rigger has a lot of room to grow in their own tying practice.

Myth: You have to like pain or be ‘bombproof’ to be good in ropes

‘Bombproof’ is a term sometimes used in rope to describe a person that can seem to withstand anything when being tied. It’s undeniably impressive to see what some people can do with their bodies but this can leave the impression that being able to ‘take a lot’ is a valuable quality in a rope bottom. The reality is that people have a lot of different desires around suffering in rope, and some people have more specific needs than others. If you need wraps laid in just the right spot or frequently adjusted, if putting your arms behind your back is just not something your body will do or you need harnesses retied, speaking up makes you a good tying partner. If you don’t want rope to hurt at all, knowing that about yourself and communicating it are important and will help you find the right partners. Body awareness and clear communication are so much more important than being bombproof.

Myth: You have to be able to suspend someone to be a good rigger

Once again, suspension is not some rope finish line or mark of skill. I recently asked a group of people who frequently get tied about what makes a good rope partner: good connection and willingness to listen were at the top of everyone’s list. Whether it’s in a scene, class or practice session, actually enjoying the energy of your partner is far more important than knowing 50 different chest harnesses or expert-level suspensions. Listen to what they have to say and use that to co-create something really fulfilling, fun and safe for you both, enjoy each other’s company, play and explore.

I recently asked a group of people who frequently get tied about what makes a good rope partner: good connection and willingness to listen were at the top of everyone’s list.

Myth: Rope is sexual

Also a myth: Rope is non-sexual

Rope is what we make it. For some people, it’s very sexual and a key part of their sexuality; for others, it’s completely non-sexual or it varies depending on the day. Whatever the tying pair agrees on is exactly the right thing for them, for that scene, on that day. This should be a clear part of negotiations with your partner and whatever rope is to you is absolutely okay. You do not owe anyone sex for tying with you, ever. Any boundaries established should be absolutely followed every single time. Midori is an amazing consent instructor and her free Consent Dojo series on Shibari Study takes a deep dive into all things consent-related.

Myth: Rope is ‘serious’, about suffering or can only be done in one way

Rope bondage will always involve some element of risk but that doesn’t mean it has to be serious or painful or ‘steeped in tradition’ or anything else. Finding a tying partner who can align with how you want to feel is going to lead to more successful rope partnerships and scenes than thinking rope has to be done a certain way. If rope to you is a giggly game of ‘see if you can get out of this tie’ and to me it’s a meditative practice of slow suffering, we may not be a good match… despite both our styles, intentions and desires being totally valid!

There is a common theme in many of these myths, which is the importance of communication, consent and connection. You don’t have to fit into a specific box to do rope. It’s much more about choosing your own adventure and picking your adventure buddies well.