‘What goes up must come down…’ Newton might have said it first but it’s true for much more than physical objects controlled by gravity. Whenever we experience any form of elated, euphoric state, we’re bound for an inevitable comedown, and – without proper precautions – a potential crash.
Most of us have, at some point or another, felt down or even depressed after a mind-blowing event, whether it was a party, a blissed-out holiday, an intense physical performance, or something else that caused us to psychologically soar. Through experience, we learn to cushion these falls. This could mean making time for extra self-care, whether it be a day in bed with Netflix and fast food after a rave, a few days of calm readjustment between a summer holiday and going back to work or school, or a long, hot bath and proper rest after completing that 20k we trained so hard for.
Whenever we experience any form of elated, euphoric state, we’re bound for an inevitable comedown, and – without proper precautions – a potential crash. Illustrator: Silky An intense rope session, too, can send us flying high , and not just in the literal sense. It’s therefore crucial that we implement proper care routines to ensure a comfortable and safe landing. A classic beginner mistake when it comes to ropes – which is often true for things we’re excited to dive into – is that we focus so much on the planning and execution of the actual thing that we forget all about the aftermath. But, just as important as pre-negotiation and setting intentions before a scene , is taking care of ourselves and our partners after. This is what we call 'aftercare'.
What is aftercare and how do we give it? Aftercare isn’t a specific set of actions, but rather whatever each of us needs to feel good and cared for in order to gently re-enter the world after (in this case) a rope session. This varies not only from person to person but from one day to the next or depending on who we tie with. What matters is that we communicate these needs openly with our partners and do our best to be there for each other. As a rule, we never just ‘play and leave’ (at least not unless this has been specifically agreed upon beforehand).
Talking about aftercare before your tying session is key. In order to better anticipate our own and our partner’s needs and to make sure we have what it takes to meet them, it’s best to share our aftercare preferences during pre-negotiation. If your partner doesn’t have the capacity or the desire to provide aftercare, you may not want to tie with that person at all.
In order to better anticipate our own and our partner’s needs and to make sure we have what it takes to meet them, it’s best to share our aftercare preferences during pre-negotiation. Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we will need. Whether this is due to being new and not having it figured out yet, or because we’re going through something that’s causing us to feel different, it’s also more than fine to admit that we’re not sure. More important is that we’re flexible and willing to adapt.
Like so many aspects of rope, kink and BDSM more broadly, aftercare exists on a spectrum and something as casual as sitting together having a conversation and coiling ropes for a few minutes after a scene may be all some tying partners need. For many, aftercare simply means lots of physical affection. A hot bath or a massage can be wonderful ways to come down, while others prefer to curl up on the couch and watch a movie, share a meal, or enjoy a sweet treat.
When in doubt, here are some aftercare basics to consider:
Hydrate Comfort and touch Illustrator: Silky
Snack tatami below… Keep light snacks at hand – sliced fruit and chocolate are easy and great to increase blood sugar right after a session and before a proper meal.Talk Regulate together after the initial cuddles and refreshments can be our best segue back into reality. This can mean anything from going for a stroll or cooking a meal to going out for a drink, watching a movie or playing a game.P.S. Tops need aftercare too Self-care after ropes Illustrator: Silky After-aftercare drop . If you’re regular play partners, lovers or close friends, this may happen organically, but it’s especially important that you don’t forget to check in on a new partner or someone else that you don’t have regular contact with.Keep in mind that there are instances when our aftercare needs don’t align. In those cases, you can either prioritize one person’s wishes first and the other’s next, or you can find a compromise. It could happen that your partner asks for something that you’re not comfortable giving, in which case it’s okay to refuse and see if you can find another, more mutually agreeable aftercare arrangement. Remember, it’s never reasonable or acceptable to demand or pressure a partner into giving any kind of sexual aftercare, whether you already have a sexual relationship or not!
After all is said and done… Aftercare might happen after, but that doesn’t mean it should be an afterthought. In reality, it can make or break your experience of a session and determine whether or not you want to tie with a particular partner again.
I had to experience a couple of deep, dark drops before I learned that I even need aftercare, and just how important it is. It might take some time to figure out what works best for you, but when in doubt, bring some water, snacks, a soft blanket, and – most importantly – your words.
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