‘What goes up must come down…’ Newton might have said it first but it’s true for much more than physical objects controlled by gravity. Whenever we experience any form of elated, euphoric state, we’re bound for an inevitable comedown, and – without proper precautions – a potential crash.
Most of us have, at some point or another, felt down or even depressed after a mind-blowing event, whether it was a party, a blissed-out holiday, an intense physical performance, or something else that caused us to psychologically soar. Through experience, we learn to cushion these falls. This could mean making time for extra self-care, whether it be a day in bed with Netflix and fast food after a rave, a few days of calm readjustment between a summer holiday and going back to work or school, or a long, hot bath and proper rest after completing that 20k we trained so hard for.
Whenever we experience any form of elated, euphoric state, we’re bound for an inevitable comedown, and – without proper precautions – a potential crash.
Illustrator: SilkyAn intense rope session, too, can send us flying high, and not just in the literal sense. It’s therefore crucial that we implement proper care routines to ensure a comfortable and safe landing. A classic beginner mistake when it comes to ropes – which is often true for things we’re excited to dive into – is that we focus so much on the planning and execution of the actual thing that we forget all about the aftermath. But, just as important as pre-negotiation and setting intentions before a scene, is taking care of ourselves and our partners after. This is what we call 'aftercare'.
What is aftercare and how do we give it?
Aftercare isn’t a specific set of actions, but rather whatever each of us needs to feel good and cared for in order to gently re-enter the world after (in this case) a rope session. This varies not only from person to person but from one day to the next or depending on who we tie with. What matters is that we communicate these needs openly with our partners and do our best to be there for each other. As a rule, we never just ‘play and leave’ (at least not unless this has been specifically agreed upon beforehand).
Talking about aftercare before your tying session is key. In order to better anticipate our own and our partner’s needs and to make sure we have what it takes to meet them, it’s best to share our aftercare preferences during pre-negotiation. If your partner doesn’t have the capacity or the desire to provide aftercare, you may not want to tie with that person at all.
In order to better anticipate our own and our partner’s needs and to make sure we have what it takes to meet them, it’s best to share our aftercare preferences during pre-negotiation.
Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we will need. Whether this is due to being new and not having it figured out yet, or because we’re going through something that’s causing us to feel different, it’s also more than fine to admit that we’re not sure. More important is that we’re flexible and willing to adapt.
Like so many aspects of rope, kink and BDSM more broadly, aftercare exists on a spectrum and something as casual as sitting together having a conversation and coiling ropes for a few minutes after a scene may be all some tying partners need. For many, aftercare simply means lots of physical affection. A hot bath or a massage can be wonderful ways to come down, while others prefer to curl up on the couch and watch a movie, share a meal, or enjoy a sweet treat.
When in doubt, here are some aftercare basics to consider:
- Hydrate
Ropes can make us sweat (or drool, or lose other body fluids, depending on how we play) and it’s normal to feel a bit woozy and lightheaded afterwards due to drops in blood pressure. Start with a large glass of water and continue to hydrate after.
- Comfort and touch
After a close, vulnerable or intimate experience, touch (in whichever form is right and appropriate for you and your tying partner) can help ease the comedown. The type of comfort required – be it getting wrapped in a blanket, a hug, a neck rub, sex, all of the above, or something else entirely – depends on your mood and, of course, the nature of your relationship.
Illustrator: Silky
- Snack
Many, especially rope bottoms, don’t eat a lot right before a rope session because it doesn’t necessarily feel great to play on a full stomach. I’ve made the mistake myself where my dinner was dangerously close to ending up on the tatami below… Keep light snacks at hand – sliced fruit and chocolate are easy and great to increase blood sugar right after a session and before a proper meal.
- Talk
The debrief is a great way to digest and understand what you just experienced. As a rigger, you can ask your bottom how they feel now, what they liked the most, what they didn’t like as much, and how you can both get better in the future. For bottoms, keep in mind that your rigger most likely just poured a ton of energy into creating this session with you and that some reassurance and appreciation will help them transition smoothly as well. Of course, neither of you should hold back on important criticism or feedback, but if your experience was positive, it’s always nice to start there. Keep in mind that not everyone feels like talking immediately, so give each other some time to digest in silence first, if needed.
- Regulate
We may not think of these as aftercare per se but often, doing regular normal activities together after the initial cuddles and refreshments can be our best segue back into reality. This can mean anything from going for a stroll or cooking a meal to going out for a drink, watching a movie or playing a game.
- P.S. Tops need aftercare too
We often see aftercare focus on the rope bottom with the top as the giver. While it’s true that the bottom’s physical needs are often more immediate and should be tended to first, especially after a demanding session, the rigger also needs some post-scene TLC. While a few of the points above are specifically directed at aftercare for bottoms, the majority of them can go both ways.
- Self-care after ropes
Body care and restoration are other important elements that play into aftercare, whether done with your partner or as self-care. Stretching and exercise, enough rest, good nutrition, and warm baths or saunas (if you have access to them) are great ways to restore and keep your body fit for further rope fun.
Illustrator: Silky- After-aftercare
This isn’t an official term, but one I personally started using to talk about the check-ins between partners in the days after a session. Aftercare shouldn’t end just because you separate and have to go back to your day-to-day lives. While our work, families and other responsibilities might not make it possible to be there for each other physically, make sure you continue to communicate, ask your partner how they’re feeling and if there’s anything you can do to be there in case they’re experiencing a drop. If you’re regular play partners, lovers or close friends, this may happen organically, but it’s especially important that you don’t forget to check in on a new partner or someone else that you don’t have regular contact with.
Keep in mind that there are instances when our aftercare needs don’t align. In those cases, you can either prioritize one person’s wishes first and the other’s next, or you can find a compromise. It could happen that your partner asks for something that you’re not comfortable giving, in which case it’s okay to refuse and see if you can find another, more mutually agreeable aftercare arrangement. Remember, it’s never reasonable or acceptable to demand or pressure a partner into giving any kind of sexual aftercare, whether you already have a sexual relationship or not!
After all is said and done…
Aftercare might happen after, but that doesn’t mean it should be an afterthought. In reality, it can make or break your experience of a session and determine whether or not you want to tie with a particular partner again.
I had to experience a couple of deep, dark drops before I learned that I even need aftercare, and just how important it is. It might take some time to figure out what works best for you, but when in doubt, bring some water, snacks, a soft blanket, and – most importantly – your words.
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