When I started practicing shibari, one of the very first things I understood – or, at least thought I understood – was that, depending on what you like, you are either a rigger (the person doing the tying) or you’re a bottom (the person being tied). It took me a while to comprehend that you can be interested in and adept at both (in other words, a switch), and it took me even longer to realise that not only can you do both, but you can do both at the same time . Enter the world of self-tying.
Some of the most respected riggers I know are self-tyers; they’re also some of the most respected bottoms I know. As shibari has become more visible over the years, so has self-tying. From rope jams to performances to – yes – even shibari educational content, self-tying has become more and more commonplace in rope circles and has cemented its validity as a distinct and often empowering practice with its own challenges, advantages and motivations. Some of the most respected riggers I know are self-tyers; they’re also some of the most respected bottoms I know.
Why do people self-tie in shibari? As I started writing this piece, this paragraph initially opened as follows: “I put the question out to my ropey followers and was surprised by the diversity of answers that came back.” This, however, is a lie. Make no mistake, the answers were diverse, but I wasn’t surprised. See, while it might seem obvious that self-tying isn’t going to be one thing to everyone, it’s rarely even one thing to the person practicing it. From sensation and exploration to labbing, practice, meditation and more, here’s what folks had to say…
Sungakonji is a kink educator and performance artist whose self-tying practice both supports his partnered tying, but also stands alone in being personally rewarding. “Self-tying helps me to empathise with people I tie with,” he says. “I think it’s important to understand what someone may go through in ropes before I help them go through that thing. It’s also pleasurable: I enjoy the sensation of my rope on my skin, the tactile experience and the way it feels on my body. Sometimes I tie myself for sexual pleasure; other times, it’s from a place of wanting the feeling of freedom in suspension – tying helps me get there.”
“Self-tying helps me to empathise with people I tie with. I think it’s important to understand what someone may go through in ropes before I help them go through that thing.” It's not just experienced rope practitioners or kink professionals that benefit from self-tying. “I am an anxious person with a high-pressure job in which I make choices and manage multiple people,” says Shortgirlties, who describes herself as in her 40s and newish to rope. “Self-tying gives me the chance to slow down and stop worrying. I find it hard to meditate, but this puts me in that headspace. It has also allowed me to get in better touch with my own body and has changed the way I feel about myself. I see the fat on my stomach squished with rope and it’s beautiful, no longer something to hide.”
“I began self-tying in a moment of yearning for connection with another,” says occasional self-tyer Patrikfts. “Through this, though, I very quickly found another way of connecting with myself, a way to allow myself to feel my own vulnerability, sit with it as intimately as perhaps possible… and feel comfortable with it. Self-tying offers me a space to feel closer to myself, and to show up in a way I often don’t allow myself to in my day-to-day life.”
“I love the independence of taking myself on a flight,” says Piaa_peach, a self-tyer with plenty of experience on every side of a rope dynamic. “I trust myself more than anyone and I’m glad I'm not out there needing someone to give me something I really crave. It has also turned into a kind of self-regulation practice over the time. If I'm stressed, angry or anxious, I'll put myself upside down and chill. It makes me feel powerful to be able to do it all by myself. I’ve been prouder of myself after a challenging self-tie than I ever was after a stressful tie by someone else because not only did I endure it, but I was also the one doing the ropes myself.”
“I’ve been prouder of myself after a challenging self-tie than I ever was after a stressful tie by someone else because not only did I endure it, but I was also the one doing the ropes myself.” Viewed through the lens of rope bondage being a team activity, it can be easy to dismiss self-tying as ‘lesser than’ because you don’t have a partner. That’s wrong though – you do have a partner and that partner is yourself. Self-tying can be as deeply connective, emotionally stirring and even powerfully erotic as partnered tying.
Is shibari self-tying safe? Partnered or not, shibari should never be thought of as 100 percent safe. Instead, understanding the risks of rope bondage allows us to better mitigate these risks, practice more mindfully and make intentional choices about the chances we are prepared to take as well as those we are not.
Here’s what to consider when tying yourself:
1. Tying alone can mean that, should there be an emergency, you don’t have a tying partner with whom to try to manage it. Always keep safety shears and a mobile phone within reach, ideally with voice control activated for an added layer of ‘hands-free’ safety.
2. Tying according to your own abilities and learning methodically without trying to ‘skip’ to more advanced ties when you’re not ready will help you develop the skills to calmly and confidently manage your ties as you progress. If you’re stressed or overwhelmed, you’re more likely to make mistakes or panic when things don’t go according to plan, so take it slow.
3. Just as you’d do with a partner, check in with yourself before you start. How’s your energy today? How’s your body feeling? Have you eaten well? Are you hydrated? Listen to your body, be mindful of your needs, and ensure that you’re feeling up to whatever you have planned, especially as you consider more advanced or riskier techniques. Rather skip the session if you’re feeling at risk of fainting, becoming overly fatigued or if you’re feeling highly distracted.
4. Avoid neck rope or any rope placed close to the neck when practicing alone. In general, self-suspension and other more challenging self-ties are best practiced with someone else around, even if just to check in on you from time to time.
5. It’s important to have an exit strategy. In other words, don’t get so excited about putting yourself into a complex and challenging tie that you forget about how you’re going to get out of it. Keep your hands free and available for any time you need untying, steadying or catching if you lose balance or fall.
What do I need to start self-tying? First and foremost, yourself! If you’re a self-tying beginner, you’re unlikely to need a huge rope kit for at least the first part of your learning journey. Even just one hank of rope will get you started with most basic knots and frictions, though once you’re ready to start self-tying harnesses and combining various ties, at least three or four full-length ropes will be necessary. Make sure you have enough space to practice too: your tying space should have enough room for you and your rope to move and be free of any possible obstacles or safety risks (think sharp edges, burning candles, etc.).
Three shibari self-tying classes to get started The Pleasure of Self-Tying (FREE) – Anna Bones, Shibari Study instructor and owner of London shibari dojo Anatomie Studio, explains what she loves about self-tying and how it differs from tying with a partner. Amongst many other things, for her, it’s an opportunity to work on silencing her inner critic. As she says, “You’re tying for yourself, by yourself.”
Simple Self-Ties – Don’t know where to start learning self-tying? Look no further than this introductory course from Shibari Study cofounder Gorgone. Using only basic knots and frictions, you’ll learn four simple structures that can easily be tied on yourself or on a partner.
Considerations For Self-Tying – Intention is as important in self-tying as it is in partnered tying. In this self-tie course, Shibari Study instructor Anansie offers exercises for finding play, grounding, movement and stillness in your self-tie practice, as well as offering her best beginner-friendly tips and tricks.
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