Beginning your shibari suspension journey is an exciting, sometimes nerve-wracking moment. If you’re lucky enough to do your first few suspensions with an experienced partner, top or bottom, you’ve got a leg up on the learning curve. If both people are new, it’s very likely that you’re going to encounter some challenges, and also very likely that neither of you will know how to diagnose those issues. I’ve heard this called ‘the inexperience spiral’. A suspension is hard and the bottom expresses discomfort. They don’t know if what they’re feeling is the result of a poorly tied harness or just the normal discomfort of shibari suspensions. The rigger doesn’t know if they’ve made a mistake or if they’re just tying a not-tough-enough bottom. Cultural messages from within the kink world can lead bottoms to blame themselves for not being masochistic enough, and might lead tops to believe that rope is just supposed to hurt. And if you’re not learning rope bondage in-person from a knowledgeable instructor, you might never get the technical corrections needed to make a tie more sustainable.
Illustration: Mica Ferreira
One tool tying partners always have in their collective toolbox, though, is communication. If you’re thinking about suspending, you should also be talking about it. This non-exhaustive list of questions can be used to jointly assess when to move forward with a suspension in the early days of practicing at this level as well as when to pause and skill up first. Some of these questions might not be applicable to your particular situation, especially if you’re suspending with a familiar partner. Take a look at this list and decide which ones are right for you! (And while you’re at it, definitely check out our other resources on consent and negotiation to round out your knowledge.)
Questions for bottoms to ask riggers
“Do you know the harnesses we need to tie for this suspension from memory ?”
If the answer is “no”, I think this is a great time to pause and level up. As soon as rope goes on your body, the clock starts ticking and the countdown to needing to be untied begins. If harness tying takes so long that you’re already feeling a little stiff or uncomfortable before you go up, you’re not setting yourselves up for success. Not to mention that an understanding of what makes a harness work rarely comes before memorization of said harness.
“Are you comfortable enough with these harnesses that you can make adaptations when necessary ?”
This might be a trickier one to answer, and if the answer is “no” or “I don’t know”, I don’t necessarily think you shouldn’t proceed. Rather, proceed with care. If the suspension is very uncomfortable, this is a good place to come back to as an indicator of what to work on next.
“Have you drilled upline techniques enough to feel comfortable lifting, locking and lowering lines while still being present with me ?”
Is the answer “no”? Do not pass go. One of the easiest things a rigger can do to minimize the difficulty of a first suspension is to drill suspension lines with a backpack or weight until it feels like second nature. There’s no reason to put your body on the line until the answer to this question is a resounding “yes”.
A question for bottoms to ask themselves
“Do I feel safe and comfortable advocating for my needs when suspended in rope ?”
This is a question that’s not so much about whether or not you understand things like how a harness is supposed to feel or the difference between nerve compression and circulation tingles . Instead, this is a personal and interpersonal question about your comfort with putting yourself, your body, and your safety first. If this doesn’t go well or feels too hard, are you afraid of hurting your rigger’s feelings? Are you afraid of disappointing yourself? Are there people watching you who you want to impress? It’s okay if the answer to any of these questions is “yes”. That’s really normal and will get better as you gain more experience in suspension and a deeper understanding of what does and doesn’t work for you in that context.
I don’t necessarily think that you shouldn’t proceed if your gut reaction to this question is that you don’t feel comfortable. However, I do think that this is a great thing to talk to your rigger about so that you can both be on the same team.
Illustration: Mica Ferreira
Questions for riggers to ask bottoms
“Have you been in some or all of the harnesses that we’re about to tie before, even just for labbing or partials ?”
I’m a firm believer that bottoming is just as much of a skill set as topping. And one of the ways to thoughtfully develop that skill set is to make sure that bottoms get a chance to learn and lab harnesses on the floor and in lightly-loaded partials before going up in them. As a rigger, this can give you an extra degree of confidence in your partner’s ability to let you know what they like and dislike in these particular positions and harnesses. If your bottom answers “no” to this question, now is a great time to pivot the plan a bit and do a little harness lab time!
“Do you understand (at least intellectually) the difference between nerve compression and circulation restriction symptoms ?”
This is an important one, and if the answer to this question is “no”, I suggest you change up the plan. Perhaps this means just taking a moment to explain these differences, especially if you feel well educated on the topic and/or are also a rope bottom yourself with some embodied knowledge of the subject. However, as I mentioned above, I’m a real big fan of taking bottoming education as seriously as we take topping education. And just like you’d never go into a suspension without having drilled your uplines, I’d love it if bottoms didn’t go into suspension without taking adequate time to truly study up on these important topics!
Perhaps now is the time for floor work. Or maybe you collectively decide to tie an arms-free chest harness to minimize risk. You can decide on your own that tying someone who doesn’t have this information is outside of your personal risk profile. Or you can decide together how you want to proceed in as risk-aware a way as possible. But my recommendation? Time to pause and skill up before proceeding!
Question for riggers to ask themselves
“Am I able to receive feedback, up to and including being told that the suspension needs to end immediately, without taking that feedback personally ?”
One of the best things you can do as a rigger is get in the habit of saying “thank you” anytime you get feedback, even if that feedback is “omg, this sucks so much, get me down right now”.
“Wow, thanks for letting me know that so clearly! Descent incoming!”
This can also be really hard, as you’ve put in a lot of time and effort to get to this moment. You might be really excited to take the next step. You might have heard that rope is edge play and a space where suffering happens, and you might have been learning suspension in order to go to that specific place with a partner. You might have friends or teachers or other partners watching who you want to impress. No matter what happens, if the person you’re tying gives you feedback, tell them “thank you” and respond accordingly.
Questions to answer together
“Do we have a shared understanding of what sorts of risks are acceptable to us both ?”
Do you both feel like you know the risks of suspension bondage? Or at least the risks associated with your specific suspension plan? Do you both have confidence in the hard point, the materials you’re using, and your collective skill sets? What’s the worst thing you each think could happen? Do you agree? Talk about it!
“Do we have a shared understanding of what types of sensations need to be communicated and when ?”
I love this question because I love the opportunity to highlight that you each get to have limits around this! As a bottom, I’m quite comfortable with letting my ulnar nerve be compressed. I experience this symptom often, and I accept the possibility that my pinky might stay numb for hours or days after I get untied. I’ve also been in rope for over a decade and have a really good sense of how likely that is to happen based on how long and intensely I’ve been feeling nerve compression symptoms.
But ! I’ve tied with tops who don’t want to untie me and my numb pinky. I’ve been told by riggers that they wouldn’t want to carry the sense of responsibility for injuring me, even if I consented. And so, with those riggers, if I feel my pinky going numb, I let them know. Each of you has the right to express these limits and an obligation to respect each other if you decide to proceed with the tie.
“Do we have a plan for what will happen if one of us is injured during this tie ?”
This is a big one. Will you check in regularly? Until the injury is resolved? If medical care is required, will you share the expenses? The answer might be “obviously, we share the same health insurance” or it might be “I’m limited in my ability to provide financial support in case of an injury”. There are no wrong answers, but asking and answering the questions will help everyone feel supported and respected if something does go awry.
And because it doesn’t all have to be so scary…
“What are you most looking forward to about trying this suspension together ?”
Learning something new! Learning about my body in ropes. Going on a fun adventure together, no matter the outcome. The joy of failing and trying again. I hope you have all of the necessary conversations and then I hope you have a great time. For some lower-risk, more beginner-friendly first suspensions, check out our Butterfly TK Suspension and our Side Suspension courses from Gorgone.
