Gift giving is an art. Kinky gift giving, perhaps doubly so. Whether your kinky Valentine’s gift idea is for someone new to BDSM or not, anyone whose spicy gift shopping has taken them deep into their local sex shop will know that finding the right kinky gift is at once intimate, vulnerable and, if we’re real about it, just so much more high stakes than a pair of socks. Get it right and it could be the start (or next step) in an exciting journey together, or at the very least, a really hot play session; get it wrong and things are likely to get weird – and we don’t mean the cool, interesting, sexy kind of weird…
Kinky gift shopping dos and don’ts DO keep consent front of mind. Before you even begin looking at kinky gift recommendations, be sure that the person you’re shopping for would appreciate something that personal and that it’s suitable for your dynamic. Is this something you’re already exploring together? If not (yet), have they directly expressed an interest or shared thoughts/fantasies about it before? When in doubt, ask – and if you’re too afraid to ask, well, that’s likely your answer right there.DON’T shop for your kink if it’s not their kink too. A kinky gift shouldn’t feel like a hint, an obligation or a means of coercing someone into types of play that they’re not interested in.If you’re unsure, DO go shopping together with your partner (or your lover, play pal, Dom, sub, etc.). Picking out some kinky toys together can be half the fun and a really fun way to build anticipation, excitement and connection – all those emotions we love to play with in BDSM scenes. Plus, even if you don’t buy everything that catches their eye, it’s a great way to learn what other types of play they might be eager to explore. DO support independent sex stores, small businesses and real people. Look for high-quality, body-safe materials and reputable brands – check out the Shibari Study Rope Guide for picking the right bondage rope. Definitely DON’T bother with massive online marketplaces. There’s nothing hot, subversive or necessarily even safe about buying rope or other kinky items on Amazon. (Ask me about the time a lover bought a 50 Shades-branded ‘bondage kit’ from a mass retailer and you’ll know how I know. It’ll come with the sexy already drained out of it, trust me.) DO keep skill level in mind. Some kinky activities center intense and often challenging sensations or emotions, while many types of BDSM play involve a certain level of skill building and an understanding of any risks involved. Give a gift that’s too advanced and, at best, it’ll gather dust in a corner; at worst, someone might get seriously hurt. A considered and thoughtful entry level gift is always a safe choice if you’re not sure.Illustration by Eysar Vargas Kinky gift ideas for beginners Chances are, if you’re in an established D/s dynamic, you already have a pretty good idea about the types of kinky play you and your partner like to explore, as well as any fun implements their toy box may be missing. But if you’re just beginning to dip a toe into the heady world of bondage, domination and submission, it makes sense to probably skip the intense CBT kit (if you know, you know) and ease into things a little more gently. Here are some safe, sane and sexy ideas to start…
Beginner shibari rope kit For the lovers looking to ‘bond’ over a new hobby
Who decided that chocolates and flowers are the pinnacle of romance? For the budding kinksters out there, a few hanks of rope might just do more for fostering a space of intimacy and play than a bunch of roses ever could. What I love about a shibari beginner kit as a gift? It says “let’s do this together ” – and what could be more romantic than that?
Shibari Study Beginner Kit Starting your shibari journey together is about more than simply “getting tied up” or “tying someone up”:
Along with that delicious sense of restraint, you get to deepen your connection too because, while learning knots and frictions might seem like what shibari is all about, the real magic happens between the people tying. There’s a whole spectrum of sensation and intention to explore. From aibunawa (a ‘caressing’ style of rope bondage) to semenawa (a more intense style of shibari), your rope practice is what you want it to be and can always meet your dynamic where it’s at. If you’re after a softer and more sensual bondage experience, you could even try silk rope . As your rope practice grows, so will your trust and communication. Shibari, like all consensual D/s play, requires being open about needs, desires, likes and limits, and then treating these as sacred. It’s a profound way to expand the ways in which you communicate, with rope as a tool. Shibari invites you to put aside all other distractions and slow down. Yes, your first few ties are going to be fiddly… If you’re the one doing the tying, you might feel like you’re learning to tie your shoelaces all over again. If you’re the one being tied, you might find you need to ask to be untied and retied a few times before a tie sits just right. As you become more confident, it will become less about the ropes and more about each other – a practice not just for Valentine’s Day, but for life. For the most beginner-friendly option, look for kits that contain safety shears, conditioned rope in pre-cut hanks and, ideally, some sort of guide to getting started – your best bet for going from unboxing to (cautiously) playing in the space of the same date.
Foundational BDSM books For a firm grip on all things kinky
While reading sexy stories is plenty arousing, there’s a lot that steamy fiction gets wrong about the safety, consent and responsible play actually central to BDSM. So, if you’re looking for a kinky handbook to inspire your giftee’s tentative first steps into the world of BDSM, run – don’t walk – past the erotica and look instead to the actual experts. Taste in books is subjective, so opinions may be mixed about any one of these books, but these are titles you’ll see recommended time and time again for good reason.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Wax play candles For an easy way to heat things up
There are a million playthings for pleasure and deviously fun tools for tormenting (consensually, of course) – more than we could ever mention in one blog article – but we’ve got a melty soft spot for a humble wax play candle. Name one other item that allows you to explore power, anticipation and touch one well-placed drop at a time and could in theory provide the romantic candlelight for your Valentine’s dinner too?
Illustration by Eysar Vargas In the wild and wonderful world of potential kinky gifts, she really is that girl:
Wax play has a low barrier to entry for those who are curious about BDSM, but maybe not yet start-kitting-out-the-dungeon curious. Why? For one, wax play candles are affordable and don’t require a long or steep learning curve for proper handling. That said, wax play is absolutely risky – do some research around wax play safety first and brush up on your favorite consent frameworks at the same time. Wax play invites you to explore all along the sensation spectrum between pleasure and pain, as it’s easy to vary the intensity, based on where and how you drop, as well as which candles you use. Exploring wax play is intimate and romantic on the one hand… and erotic and titillating on the other. Beyond that, it’s a thrilling way to practice consent, trust, focus, communication and being present with each other – all essential skills that can be taken into other, more advanced types of kinky play (and, yes, even into your vanilla sex life). Essentially, you should choose body-safe candles made specifically for wax play – these should be either massage candles (the best option for beginners), soy wax candles or paraffin candles. These materials have a lower melting point and will reduce (but not eliminate) the risk of burning.
P.S. It’s all about intention… Finally, and most importantly, whether you’re searching for that kinky something special for someone just starting out or whether you share a 24/7 D/s dynamic, remember that at its heart kink isn’t about what but about why . To end this somewhat naughty article on a very wholesome note, care, connection, trust and mutual joy – all the best bits of kink – aren’t down to the tools you use, but to the intention you bring . Start there and you likely won’t go wrong…
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