I love a bit of steamy bedroom bondage and I adore my platonic rope connections, but there’s a special collection of people in my life who aren’t sex partners but have made their way onto my list of lovers by virtue of the sweet, sweet rope we do. Writing to you as a newly-single person, I feel some pull towards the familiar Valentine’s Day despair that often befalls unpartnered people in February, but I’m also taking the moment to celebrate how much love and connection makes its way into my life through shibari. If you’re among the many folks looking around at the hearts and roses on the supermarket shelves and feeling left behind, consider that your constellation of Valentines might be numerous and hiding in plain sight.
There’s a special collection of people in my life who aren’t sex partners but have made their way onto my list of lovers by virtue of the sweet, sweet rope we do. So, how do you bring more intimacy and connection into your rope relationships? Whether you’re exploring with a familiar lover or infusing a friendship with a bit of romance, the leap from learning a single-column tie to having a connective session can be mysterious. Of course, there’s no one right way. But I do have some suggestions for how to move from negotiation, into tying, and lest we forget, aftercare while cultivating non-traditional romance.
Let rope meet your relationship where it’s at I love the sweetness and connection I see in Gorgone’s session with Miah and Ms Reemah’s session with Lavender . As I reflect on the abundance of love and romance that exists in my life through rope connections, I’m thinking a lot about the idea of queerplatonic relationships , a term originating from within the asexual community to describe relationships that blur or queer the friends/lovers binary. The idea isn’t to force anything into the cliché roses-are-red domain of romance so commonly associated with sexual (especially heterosexual) relationships, but to reimagine romance in a way that broadens its scope and significance in our lives from beyond the domain of sex partners only.
Ms Reemah’s session with Lavender Lab at or above your level, play below it The gap between expectation and reality can be strong when first picking up ropes. Many of us remember seeing shibari for the first time and being equally entranced by the connection between two people as we were by the complicated patterns. When the goal is play or connection, it’s key to choose tying techniques simple enough that they’re almost second nature. And if you’re so new that nothing is second nature, consider picking a single pattern or position and practice it a few times in a more technical way. The Simple Harnesses for Flow from Ropunawa can be a great place to start. Talk with your tying partner about what kind of rope tension feels good. Problem-solve together how you can smooth out any moments that feel physically or energetically clunky.
Simple Harnesses for Flow by Ropunawa When the goal is play or connection, it’s key to choose tying techniques simple enough that they’re almost second nature. While we at Shibari Study are really happy to support your romantic endeavours, we don’t want to be there on the big night, so memorize what you’re doing first and put the tutorial away when the time comes to play. You should be confident enough in what you’re doing to let your attention wander away from the knots and instead focus on the person in front of you. Connection comes when you’re noticing action and reaction, cause and effect, not furiously trying to remember if your L-friction goes left or right first.
Negotiate! I promise it won’t kill the mood. If you’re tying with a friend, negotiation is key to understanding what types of touch and quality of connection would excite you both. “Do you want a lot of physical closeness?” “Would it feel nice if I touched you for the sake of touching you and not just to put rope on your body?” “Does this change the nature of our friendship or are we creating a special container that we’ll close afterwards?” I love to make out with my friends, and find that doing so within that unique, romantic friendship container has its own special flavor. But you need to figure out what works for you, and to do so, you’re gonna need to talk about it.
If you’re tying with a friend, negotiation is key to understanding what types of touch and quality of connection would excite you both. Sexy Strategies For Consent Building by Midori and Marla Renee StewartOne framework (aside from all-important broad kinky consent frameworks ) I like to use in any negotiation is the “head to toes” framework. I’ll ask, “Do you like hair rope?” “Do you like your hair pulled?” “How do you feel about mouth rope, neck rope?” and so forth. We have a whole category dedicated to these little details, and these elements of ‘extra spice ’ can help you stay focused on the present moment.
Rope Gags by Gorgone Set the scene Take a breath together. Make some intentional eye contact. If you’re not tying with someone who you regularly share any sort of physical connection with, maybe take a moment to introduce the ingredient of touch before the rope comes out. This will make it easier to drop into a more connective mode of tying, where rope becomes an extension of your touch rather than just a tool for creating restriction. If you need a few more ideas for how to start your scene, check out Ropunawa’s Session Opener and Positioning Between Partners with hua hua and Olivia.
Positioning Between Partners by hua hua Let rope be a sensuous experience If you’re tying with a lover, you’re likely already comfortable with mixing rope with erotic touch. If you’re tying with a friend, accessing something that feels erotic might not be available or desired. But erotic isn’t the only mode available to us when tying. Whoever you’re tying with, I encourage you to tend to the sensory experience. Carefully curate a playlist. Light a candle with a scent you both enjoy (maybe even light an unscented second candle for wax play). Make sure your lighting situation is pleasing to you, or heighten all of your partner’s other senses by pulling out a blindfold and turning the lights off entirely.
Let aftercare linger Snacks and a snuggle are often great aftercare elements, as is scheduling a check-in after some time has passed. Time and space allow for physical issues to present and also complicated feelings to emerge and clarify. Setting aside time to reconnect and see how the experience landed is an important part of a scene. But remember that sending a check-in text the next day is about more than confirming that nothing went awry! It also solidifies ongoing connection. Ask both how your partner is feeling after your rope scene and if any rope marks were noticed at the family dinner or by their nosy co-worker!
P.S… I hope that by now, whoever you are and however you’re hoping to explore intimacy this month, that you’re feeling inspired, and maybe even looking forward to a Valentine’s date filled with tying, connection and a new lens on your ropey relationships. Even without roses and candles, the commitment to a regular rope practice between two people can be the foundation of a deep, more-than-friendship partnership, and I hope that you find time to celebrate all of those this month.
For more inspiration, explore our Cultivating Connection category now.
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