The word ‘vetting’ is one that you might hear from time to time in a kink and BDSM context – one, in fact, that you should be hearing or at least thinking about yourself any time you’re considering a new tying or kinky play partner. So, what is vetting, exactly? While it may sound like a niche medfet-inspired adjacent to puppy play (which, come to think of it, does sound pretty fun), vetting is a process by which you not only determine compatibility with a potential play partner but assess whether or not they are someone you feel safe to play with.
Vetting is a process by which you not only determine compatibility with a potential play partner but assess whether or not they are someone you feel safe to play with. Illustration by Ladislava Gagloyava There are endless factors that might speak to your compatibility (or lack thereof): what style of rope they most enjoy, their BDSM experience, what their previous rope dynamics have looked like, how they deal with negative emotions, their likes, limits and expectations, how they like to prepare for a scene, whether they ever drink or use drugs before playing, how they approach aftercare, and so forth… This isn’t a comprehensive list of things to ask about, but it should get you thinking about what sort of overlapping interests you desire in a potential play partner, as well as what you need to feel safe (and what makes you feel unsafe).
Let’s imagine you want to vet a rigger in the rope scene who you’re considering being tied by. To vet this hypothetical rigger, you would likely have a conversation with them, ask your friends in the community what they know about this rigger, and maybe even ask this rigger to share references of people they’ve tied with in the past so that you can inquire directly about their experiences. (There are many ways to vet a potential rigger – so many, in fact, that we’ll dedicate a whole separate blog post to that.)
It’s important to note that vetting and negotiation are not the same thing, even if there are times when certain themes overlap. Negotiation usually explores scene planning and finding an enthusiastic mutual alignment in how you want to play, making explicit what you do and don’t want once you’re already pretty sure you want to play with someone. Vetting comes before this and is about deciding if you want to play at all. Of course, real life is not as neat as this and while this article is focused on general best practices and bringing clarity to some big kink concepts, you may well find you’re vetting as you negotiate or negotiating as you vet… This is neither wrong nor right: these processes will likely look and feel different every time.
Why is vetting important in kink and BDSM? The vetting process is largely about helping you spot potential “red flags” – signs that someone may not be a person with whom you want to enter a vulnerable space. If you think about it, we practice vetting in small ways in our vanilla lives all the time, and often in much less high-stakes contexts than kinky play. We meet that Tinder match in a public place first to suss them out; we ask probing questions about safer sex and recent STI tests in the elevator on our way up to the apartment with a date – the type that determine whether we’ll say goodbye at the door or perhaps ask them to spend the night. We ask mutual friends about new acquaintances when we don’t know them well ourselves or we peruse their social media to get a sense of who they are and what they’re about.
When you’re vetting a potential play partner, you’re doing something similar, and in doing so, taking proactive steps towards better ensuring the following:
Physical safety: Many types of kinky play come with a certain degree of risk – some of it more avoidable and some less so. The vetting process allows you to assess the competency and skills, risk awareness and technical proficiency of a potential play partner.Emotional safety: Very often, kink (and particularly types of play that fall under the umbrella of BDSM) inherently involves playing with power dynamics and vulnerability, both in physical and psychological ways. Here, vetting is about assessing whether or not you’re well aligned in terms of values, intentions, your approach to whatever type of play you’re looking to explore together, kink style, communication style and experience. Yes, being taken to the edge of your physical or psychological limits can be a big part of the appeal of certain types of play – however, that requires trusting that your partner shares your desires, can be clear about their intentions, and is able to recognise and respect your boundaries before overstepping them. Vetting helps to ensure that consent is not only present but informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing.Vetting is about assessing whether or not you’re well aligned in terms of values, intentions, your approach to whatever type of play you’re looking to explore together, kink style, communication style and experience. Illustration by Ladislava Gagloyava A space for more fulfilling play: Don’t let eagerness to play eclipse creating a space that is rewarding to play. Vetting is about more than safety; it’s about establishing and building trust. Of course, you might find that in assessing a potential play partner, the red flags that come up limit the extent to which you’d choose to play with them… Or you might find that their green flags open up new possibilities that you wouldn’t have considered otherwise: willingness to explore more deeply, the confidence to take greater risks, and finding a container for inspired, creative and even spontaneous play founded in transparency and trust.Vetting in a shibari context When we practice shibari, we play with intense sensations, emotions and dynamics. The physical restraint, interplay between domination and submission, potent emotional states , heightened senses of power and powerlessness… These are the things that make it fun but also make it dangerous. The risks of rope bondage are well documented – vetting our partners allows us to begin to anticipate and mitigate these risks before we consent to being in any vulnerable situation. This helps to ensure that we don’t rely exclusively on our decision-making or risk-assessing ability when we’re playing and likely not thinking as clearly as we would be otherwise. Think about it: you really don’t want to already be suspended in mid-air and deep in subspace when you learn of your new rope partner’s poor tying technique, bad communication skills or short temper.
As shibari continues to grow in both mainstream exposure and popularity, it’s also important to recognise that while it might be easier than ever to find a willing tying partner, its current cultural ubiquitousness might make it look “easy” and mean that many people underestimate the risks involved. In contrast, someone being highly visible in rope spaces or posting endless inspirational shibari content on their social media might lead to people overestimating their trustworthiness or ability. Unfortunately, predatory behavior and abuse can and do occur in the shibari world. Vetting allows us to acknowledge and confront this danger, and – ideally – avoid known toxic individuals.
Someone being highly visible in rope spaces or posting endless inspirational shibari content on their social media might lead to people overestimating their trustworthiness or ability. Illustration by Ladislava Gagloyava Keep in mind that red flags don’t necessarily equate to “toxic” or “abusive” (they may speak to a lack of experience, for example) and green flags aren’t a guarantee that someone is 100% “safe”. Like much of the risk mitigation we try to practice in kink, vetting is about reducing potential dangers and understanding that there is no entirely risk-free way to engage in these types of play. This is also why it’s best to treat vetting as an ongoing or continuous practice grounded in ongoing dialogue: people change, both for the better and for worse, and you’re allowed to revisit your trust in someone or withdraw consent at any time – yes, even in the middle of a scene!
Vetting as a shared practice Vetting might be an interpersonal process, but it starts with interrogating yourself and your own needs first. Are you looking for something casual or more long-term? Something sexual or platonic? Does the type of play that interests you involve a high degree of technical competency or are you satisfied to play within the skill set of someone who may be somewhat inexperienced or still learning? Do you know what kind of aftercare you need or what consent frameworks best align with your needs? The clearer you are on your own motivations, desires, boundaries and risk profile, the easier it will be to recognize if a potential play partner meets those criteria or not.
The clearer you are on your own motivations, desires, boundaries and risk profile, the easier it will be to recognize if a potential play partner meets those criteria or not. And yet, from these highly personal beginnings, vetting can also create a safer environment for all. Vetting is about care, respect and mutual responsibility – within our own private dynamics, yes, but with ripples that can move through and shape our local kink scenes. The more we practice, normalize and encourage vetting in kinky spaces, the more we’re contributing to safer and more nourishing kink and rope communities.
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