Used well, a few lengths of rope can elevate your midweek missionary to a peak erotic experience. Whether you’re acting out a prisoner-captor fantasy, unleashing your inner damsel in distress, or you simply enjoy the sensation of ropes on your body or the mental kick of taking or giving up control, ropes and a couple of knots can help you do that, and more…
But before you throw caution to the wind and jump headfirst into bed with rope kit in hand, let’s get serious for a minute. Shibari always carries with it inherent physical and psychological risks, but when combined with sex, it’s easier to get caught up in the act and ignore the warning signs.
If you’re looking for the hottest ways to bring rope into the bedroom, while keeping it fun, simple and safe, read on…
The DON’Ts of shibari for sex Before we get to the how-tos, let’s get the no-nos out of the way. Never do the following:
Leave your partner tied up alone.
Don’t do it. Not even for a few minutes. A tied partner can panic or have an unexpected reaction, leading to injury even in “safe” tie.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Omit the safety shears from your rope bag.
Never bring out your ropes without appropriate cutting tools , no matter how skilled or proficient you believe yourself to be. Fainting, seizures, or even the unexpected can happen. Yes, I even know of someone who had to cut their partner free during an earthquake. Always have a way to cut someone free fast.
When we’re swept up in the heat of the moment or other more pleasurable sensations, it’s easy to miss warning signs like tingling or numbness. Tie too tight or create collapsible knots.
When we’re swept up in the heat of the moment or other more pleasurable sensations, it’s easy to miss warning signs like tingling or numbness. Always leave two fingers of space in cuffs and tie off with non-collapsible knots that won’t tighten if pulled. Most importantly, pay attention to your partner and perform regular hand checks .
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Attempt complex ties and acrobatic suspensions for sex.
There’s a time and a place for everything. Getting railed mid-air might sound like a thrill, but take it from someone who’s been there, it’s a lot harder to focus on your pleasure when you’re stressing about your possibly compressed radial nerve or that nasty rope pinch on your inner thigh. Save your wildest experiments for jams or classes and stick to the floor (or mattress). Finally, if you simply must combine sex and suspension, opt for something like Kinoko’s Ketsuzuri , which is mindfully designed for exactly that.
Getting railed mid-air might sound like a thrill, but it’s a lot harder to focus on your pleasure when you’re stressing about your possibly compressed radial nerve or that nasty rope pinch on your inner thigh. Assume tying with someone will lead to sex.
Combining ropes and sex must always be consensual and preferably agreed upon beforehand. Whether you’re tying or getting tied, don’t be the newbie who shows up at the jam thinking shibari is a golden ticket to hooking up. I’m not saying it never happens, just don’t assume and don’t push for it. Even if sex is part of your dynamic, remember, rope ≠ automatic invitation.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Take yourself too seriously.
Yes, shibari may be serious business with plenty of technical skills you can learn and potential risks too, but always remember to have fun. Feeling clumsy? Got a pattern all wrong? Struggling to open a knot? Unless anyone’s safety is at stake, laugh it off, make it part of the scene, play with your partner, untie and try again.
The DOs of shibari for sex Now, to the juicy part – how to combine rope bondage and sex. Check out these tips for making the most of your sexy bondage experience:
Have plenty of time on your hands.
If you’re looking for a fiery quickie or a spur-of-the-moment roll in the hay, leave your ropes aside, especially if you’re new to tying. To successfully tie together sex and shibari, you want to plan the scene, set the mood, and leave time to play, experiment, and enjoy each other. Don’t forget aftercare either; rope can take you to unexpected emotional or physical places.
Practice first.
You’ll hear practitioners of shibari say that rope is not about the rope. I believe this to be true, and especially when bringing ropes to sex – few things kill the mojo more than fumbling endlessly with a knot or getting stuck on whether the bight goes over or under your running end – but I also know that this is a lot easier said than done. Making something appear effortless takes effort! In short: lab first, session later.
Few things kill the mojo more than fumbling endlessly with a knot or getting stuck on whether the bight goes over or under your running end... Making something appear effortless takes effort! We lab to master a specific knot or pattern, to understand how something works technically, how to adjust a specific tie to our partner and to develop a sense of fluency. All of this in order to be able to have fun and play with it in a sexy session later. This is the perfect time to watch and tie along to your favorite bookmarked Shibari Study tutorials.
Keep it simple!
Less is most certainly more when it comes to bedroom bondage. Skip the intricate patterns and stick to basic, yet effective ties that get the job done. I recommend starting by adding these six basic skills to your toolbox.
Single-column tie Double-column tie Hojo cuffs Yuki fix Basic frictions Simple futomomo Play out your fantasies and consider role-play.
The prisoner-captor trope is a classic, but there’s plenty of other places you can take this… Make sharing fantasies part of the foreplay – what turns you both on about rope and sex? Being aligned is everything; you don’t want to show up as an interrogating hostage taker if your partner imagines being sensually wrapped into a cozy cocoon.
Dominance and submission in ropes...
All forms of rope bondage come with an implied power dynamic where the top or rigger dominates and takes the lead and the person getting tied submits and follows. Whether or not you want to play into this dynamic should be discussed beforehand.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Positions and ties for bedroom bondage You can find endless illustrated bedroom bondage positions online, so rather than list them all, here are some favorites arranged into a playful sequence. Use what resonates, mix, match, and make them your own.
Handcuffs
There’s so much you can do with just a pair of cuffs. Start by binding your partner’s hands in front with a double-column tie, then attach the wrists to a safe overhead point with a Yuki fix to undress and explore their body. Go slow and take your time!
Has your partner been naughty enough to deserve a good spanking? Or perhaps you need to investigate their rear up close? Bend them forward and tie their wrists to a waist-high anchor like a radiator or sideboard. Or go lower – wrists to ankles – for a more objectified feel (just mind the lack of stability).
To shift scenes, lay them on the bed, tie wrists above head, and climb on top. If you want them completely at your mercy, attach each ankle with a single-column tie to each leg of the bed with Yuki knots.
Spread eagle
Undo the double-column tie and attach each wrist with a single column and a yuki fix to the legs of the bed for a spread eagle. With full access to the front of your partner's body including their armpits, they’ll feel extra exposed and vulnerable – perfect for sensuous torture, maybe even some tickling, as well as licking, sucking and riding.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Face down, ass up
Transition easily from the spread eagle – open the Yuki knots, release the wrists, flip your partner onto their belly. Lift their hips, guide their arms back, and attach wrists to ankles with a double column or or simple wrapping locked with half hitches and you have yourself a perfect leap frog/doggy-style variation.
Double-futomomo doggy
For a double-futomomo doggy, untie the wrists, bend both of your partner’s legs and wrap them shut. The exposure and the instability of balancing on both knees makes this position extra objectifying.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Full frontal futomomo
Flip your lover onto their back, and voila, you have full frontal access again. From here you can keep their legs open by tying a simple knot with a new rope to the inside of one futomomo, sliding the rope behind the small of their back, pulling tight and attaching the other futomomo. Tie your partner’s hands away with a single or double-column tie above their head, or tie the hands to one futomomo and use that as the starting point to attach both legs behind the back.
The chair lap dance
Not all ropes for sex needs to happen in the bed. Try tying your partner sitting on a chair, with their ankles attached to the legs and the arms behind the back. From here, seduce them with a striptease or a lap dance. If your tied up partner has a penis, this also makes for a good riding position. Feeling more hardcore? Turn it into an interrogation and make your body the prize.
Illustration by Eysar Vargas Where else can you go? Now that you have a few basics in your toolkit and some ideas to start with, only the limits of your naughty imagination can stop you. Get your partner and your rope kit, set the mood and enjoy. And, as always, stay safe, pay attention to your partner and remember to have fun!
If you want to go deeper and try other harnesses suitable for sex or play, check out the following Shibari Study classes:
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